The Ordinary Me

i suddenly could feel alive again. i feel ok now being with myself. for all these years, i was holding on to people, to someone that i thought would be there for me like how i would be there for them. turns out, neither of us can. ive learnt that humans always change. their surrounding, their emotions, and feelings. ive learnt that the world is lonely sometimes. but being alone can be just fine. my focus was scattered. i was looking for approval and validation from people. that i would sacrifice my time, my energy just to feel complete, to feel satisfied. but it will never be enough. only i could fill that void. may Allah guide me to be the very best servant. may He guide me to the right path. and let me hold on to Him alone.  Thankyou Allah, i feel that im slowly healing. 

  its quite shocking really. i didnt intend to quit my job just like in the movies. i estimated longer to tender my resignation. but things happened, and theres no other way out. so here i am at a library, half-concious because i slept like only for 2 hours last night. thinking being here would inspire me to be productive. it does work but, productivity will always linear with my energy. and therefore, a waste of time. so much events and deep core memories created since january 2021. ive faced numerous speechless, too-stunned-to-speak moments that gave me new perspective in life. of how i met people that i cant imagine would cross path in my journey. i was accused at, and shamed countless times. and ive learnt that, it doesnt matter in the end.  i had changed drastically i think, when i a was there. 

 it amazes me how this fist-size organ has the ability to feel something.