The Ordinary Me

  it's been several years now. I've been on a roller coaster ride, up and down of life, once I felt like I could do anything, and in the next part I couldn't even move an inch. I've been to so many places. all of them draw a mark on my skin, on my head. so many negativities. I couldn't even be proud of myself. I've lost all emotions. life has been hard. I thought I was doing good. but I think today I've come to realize that let myself fall again and again. Where am I now? I'm still further away from my dreams. is it worth it to lose all the opportunities ive had before? to take this path that i myself is uncertain, and unreliable of? was it worth it to shut down the advice and hopes of my parents?  and all that i know, it lead me to this day. until i figure it out, ill be stuck in this mess and forever will devour it as my mistakes.

 i want to actually know what's fulfilling me. and i think i know now that i want to make my parents proud first. i want to achieve my dreams. i really do. and i believe that i can achieve that one day. 

 i couldnt be happy at this moment. everything seems dull, grey and emotionless to me. i dont care if i lose or win anymore. i just feel like i need to breathe peacefully. because its overwhelming, seeing people being happy when im not. and i dont like to pretend. i need to move. i need to feel myself. i need to take a break.

 life hits you hard. it does bring you to places you dont even thought of. you dont like it, its hard to swallow, but its just life. and it goes on. and its okay to fall. to feel like a loser. but the amazing part is, you can change that. you can always change. and thats life.

 really was a roller coaster ride this year. this year i cried a lot. my eyes were swollen like never before. but this year was also the year that I've healed the most. the year that I felt i was the closest to myself. discovered a new chapter of me. that I'm glad for. i pushed myself to move and walk to leave the past. i thought I couldn't do that, but then everything was easy afterward. i smiled from my heart. i feel content now. im thankful for all the things that happened in 2022. and im hoping for new adventures and discoveries in 2023! cant wait to love myself even more :)

 everything seems like a wave. crashing me, pulling and pushing me to the middle of the sea. its like im not bothered by it. but slowly dragging me to uncertainty. its prone to change me to a new skin.