The Ordinary Me

 i want to actually know what's fulfilling me. and i think i know now that i want to make my parents proud first. i want to achieve my dreams. i really do. and i believe that i can achieve that one day. 

 i couldnt be happy at this moment. everything seems dull, grey and emotionless to me. i dont care if i lose or win anymore. i just feel like i need to breathe peacefully. because its overwhelming, seeing people being happy when im not. and i dont like to pretend. i need to move. i need to feel myself. i need to take a break.

 life hits you hard. it does bring you to places you dont even thought of. you dont like it, its hard to swallow, but its just life. and it goes on. and its okay to fall. to feel like a loser. but the amazing part is, you can change that. you can always change. and thats life.

 really was a roller coaster ride this year. this year i cried a lot. my eyes were swollen like never before. but this year was also the year that I've healed the most. the year that I felt i was the closest to myself. discovered a new chapter of me. that I'm glad for. i pushed myself to move and walk to leave the past. i thought I couldn't do that, but then everything was easy afterward. i smiled from my heart. i feel content now. im thankful for all the things that happened in 2022. and im hoping for new adventures and discoveries in 2023! cant wait to love myself even more :)

 everything seems like a wave. crashing me, pulling and pushing me to the middle of the sea. its like im not bothered by it. but slowly dragging me to uncertainty. its prone to change me to a new skin.

i suddenly could feel alive again. i feel ok now being with myself. for all these years, i was holding on to people, to someone that i thought would be there for me like how i would be there for them. turns out, neither of us can. ive learnt that humans always change. their surrounding, their emotions, and feelings. ive learnt that the world is lonely sometimes. but being alone can be just fine. my focus was scattered. i was looking for approval and validation from people. that i would sacrifice my time, my energy just to feel complete, to feel satisfied. but it will never be enough. only i could fill that void. may Allah guide me to be the very best servant. may He guide me to the right path. and let me hold on to Him alone.  Thankyou Allah, i feel that im slowly healing. 

  its quite shocking really. i didnt intend to quit my job just like in the movies. i estimated longer to tender my resignation. but things happened, and theres no other way out. so here i am at a library, half-concious because i slept like only for 2 hours last night. thinking being here would inspire me to be productive. it does work but, productivity will always linear with my energy. and therefore, a waste of time. so much events and deep core memories created since january 2021. ive faced numerous speechless, too-stunned-to-speak moments that gave me new perspective in life. of how i met people that i cant imagine would cross path in my journey. i was accused at, and shamed countless times. and ive learnt that, it doesnt matter in the end.  i had changed drastically i think, when i a was there. 

 it amazes me how this fist-size organ has the ability to feel something. 

 so idk but i had like so many plans after ending this degree hahahah. i want to start my own merch, but for that i need to build my audience and start to practice more on art bcs gurll youre still lame in this sobs. and like yeah i want to study and research abt the trends nowadays. my passion is more to create stuff and might as well try and sell them. even though i dont have any business background and basic knowledge, but ill try to learn them as i go. oh yeah kinda excited to start a business with my bae too. weve talked about making websites together and yeah basically sell merchandise haha I mean collaborating with your best friend??? that would be a dream come true >.<  yeah so i just wanna put it here. i hope i can come back with updates on how i finally start to do this plan yayerzz

i cant believe degree life is almost over. like lepas habis final ni teda sudah vibe student tu bcs 6months of internship lain sudah environment. im not that emotional to end my degree life because due to online learning, i dont feel that much attachment or sad feeling of saying farewell to my classmates. ive gone past that phase like in october 2020 after knowing we were bound to stay another semester in our houses and do learning separately. like jeez it really developed a new environment and how it created like a gap between me and my friends now. its not the same as having virtual interactions than face-to-face communication. sometimes i feel like I'm lost because everything is driven by my own will because usually i got my realization from my friends hahaha. hm i think thats the biggest issue for me. i am easily distracted and tbh, it drained my mental health a lot. i couldn't stand up strong enough on my own. luckily there are still some friends that helped me through it....

 hi hahahahhah 2020 is almost over. like it was just yesterday it was January 2019 and everything was still normal. boy, everything has changed now. globally. never in a million years, I would imagine that 2020 will be this chaotic. and to be honest, I've experienced the most downfall and depressing days of my life. like i had lost myself and turned into someone i never knew. although i dont feel bad as much as before, im still struggling to be strong as we've just started the new semester. its my last semester before LI. and a lot to deal w my fyp and all. i need to declutter my thoughts and prioritize my tasks. i really want to rewire my brain bcs gurl feels like she has only 3 brain cells left in her head *inserts ugly cry meme* well, i think thats for now. chao 

bila kau bersangka baik dengan Allah, nothing will get in your way. always believe that He can help you and that you should rely on Him. so just do your best girl. put your trust in Him

Helu gais. Its been 3 years. 3 years haha im supposed to be in my 7th semester but because i changed my course after a one year in bachelor of forestry into food technology. now im almost at the end of semester 5. haha gila paling busy rasa. but i can cope with it. i still wanna live another day. its alr subuh now and i just finished doing mahaba stuffs. you know the dinner for final year at kpz which im supposed to be diraikan bersama but instead, saya yang jadi ajk hahaha and buat publisiti again for the sekian kalinya. jujur cakap, this one paling satisfying la kerja sa buat sebab lawa gila HAHAHAHA well not wanna brag but, im proud of myself. maybe some part of me wants to give the best for my friends :') and actually, theres a lot happening in my mind. esp this one thing but i chose to ignore it. its not the best way to deal it but seriously, im tired. i cant do it. i really cant do it at this rate. mau masuk week 14 ok what do you expect? :') ofcourse la busy kan kemu...

i always thought about what i wanna be after this stage of my life. i always wonder if i could make any difference in this world. i like being at the present, but scared of my future. while the past is never be reached again.  why is it hard to make decision ? why do i have the feeling of insecurities? can i just fly like the birds?  just free .

I suddenly woke up from a dream. A dream which i was saying about something. A reminder, "Sujudlah. Kerana dalam sujud itu kau akan jumpa apa yang telah hilang." And i still remember what i said. It feels like im giving myself a reminder. Allah wants me to realize how i was getting far from Him. How i forgot to say His name with all my heart. I cried. because i was arrogant. really really arrogant. it hurts in my heart. How could someone do bad things to the one who helps you when youre in trouble? How could someone ask to another but didnt say thank you? I cried again. may Allah guide us back to Him. Ya Allah, knock my heart again Amin

my head is spinning and its aching a lot. exam is just in two days and i havent catch up all the chapters yet. unfortunately not even two of em. i know i should just keep on revising and just dont give up. yes i wont but looking at my condition right now i cant. i want to share my problems with someone but i just feel that i shouldnt. (ouch. theres that aching again. ok i should be sleeping right now.) it feels that theres many things i wanna say but, i guess its best if i kept it on my own. bai.

Assalamualaikum dan salam sejahtera Hai. I know its been a while that i havent update this blog kan? *letak tangan di bahu* hehe I've been busy i guess. Dulu bulan mac pigi belajar memandu. It took satu bulan lebih jugalah untuk graduate. Memang payah lah struggle dia. Setiap pagi kena tunggu bas. Sampai kedai kena tunggu lagi cigu ambil. Then bila balik kena cari lagi bas . Eseh merungut pula haha padahal lebih banyak lagi org lain yang lebih susah lebih jauh dari tempat litar banding dengan saya. But alhamdulillah berbaloi juga titik peluh dan kesabaran selama ini haha. Dan ya result UPU yang lepas amat lucu jugalah XD. Dulu harap lah nak masuk UIA kan nak sambung opto. Tapi rezeki bukan kat UIA. Tapi dapat kat UPM, ASPer ~  Tidak juga sedih sangat malah bersyukur jugalah dapat upu. Cuma itu lah degree untuk optometrist tak ada di UPM. Sekarang memang buntu sikit nak sambung apa selepas asasi. Kalau jadi vet maybe ok juga kan? Tengo lah dulu minat tu akan jumpa juga kot la...

Assalamualaikum. I have a thought. About how people generate such ideas and turn it into a masterpiece. That  makes you awe in ways you couldnt imagine. Its so brilliant and just, genius. Genius such as writers, producers, inventors, and just those anonymous ones that havent been discovered yet. People like these have their own way of thinking. They control their own minds. Saying that things can be different and can be done in a better way. And wouldnt give a chance to anyone to tell them not to. They have a strong will and they believe they can do things we cannot imagine. Out of the box. And more than any box you could have. Orang seperti ini layak diberi anugerah. bagi saya lah. Dan memang jarang sekali dapat jumpa segolongan manusia seperti mereka. Bila situasi sedang genting, mereka tidak panik, well ndak sangatlah, tapi mereka berfikir. Secara semula jadinya, anggota badan mereka bertindak balas secepat fikiran mereka. Mereka tidak suka jika ada sesuatu be...

Everything continues to move on. Days. Children. Parents. Feelings. And time. Everything changes. You wont believe it now, but you will utterly nod then. For example, when its the last day of high school, or the last day when you saw your friends or families in their good health. You didnt believe it because, it didn't happen yet. But then the next day, everything turns all the way around. You've learnt that time is limited. Even if all humans have exactly 24 hours a day, it still seems too short to be able to realise it. You cant even remember since when you are already in your middle aged. Its like it was just yesterday you were born and just learning to make friends with other toddlers, and now you're learning how to get a life. At a point, you just have to grow up. And just follow the circle of life. And verily, to every living thing, death is another stage we have to begin. And this world is only a medium for us to know exactly what are the certainty tha...

Assalamualaikum and howdy semua. Sekali lagi, saya mau post tengah tengah malam. hehe. Ya, saya tau juga tak baik stay up late ni semua. Its not good for your brain, your eyes.. eseh macam tau. (mungkinlah sebab agaknya degree mata saya meningkat sebab ini kot). Banyaklah yang tidak baik. Umi pun selalu pesan, "malam untuk kita beristirehat. Pagi buat kerja. Jangan tunggang balikkan sunnahtullah..." Okay umi. InsyaAllah pasni, saya try kurangkan stay up buat benda benda camni. hihi.  Sebenarnya saya minat dengan satu benda ni. Minat bidang actually. That is, optometri. Optometri ni bukan bidang yang perlu ambil medic semua. Itu Oftalmologist. Dia ni doktor pakar yang dah abis kedoktoran baru sambung lagi jadi pakar mata. Hanya Oftalmologist je yang boleh, dan pandai bedah bedah mata pesakit. Macam Profesor Doktor Muhaya :) (sori kalau salah nama. x brapa ingat XD well you know who i meant kan) i dont understand this pic either Kerja optometri ni berkait...