The Ordinary Me

i suddenly could feel alive again. i feel ok now being with myself. for all these years, i was holding on to people, to someone that i thought would be there for me like how i would be there for them. turns out, neither of us can. ive learnt that humans always change. their surrounding, their emotions, and feelings. ive learnt that the world is lonely sometimes. but being alone can be just fine. my focus was scattered. i was looking for approval and validation from people. that i would sacrifice my time, my energy just to feel complete, to feel satisfied. but it will never be enough. only i could fill that void. may Allah guide me to be the very best servant. may He guide me to the right path. and let me hold on to Him alone.  Thankyou Allah, i feel that im slowly healing. 

  its quite shocking really. i didnt intend to quit my job just like in the movies. i estimated longer to tender my resignation. but things happened, and theres no other way out. so here i am at a library, half-concious because i slept like only for 2 hours last night. thinking being here would inspire me to be productive. it does work but, productivity will always linear with my energy. and therefore, a waste of time. so much events and deep core memories created since january 2021. ive faced numerous speechless, too-stunned-to-speak moments that gave me new perspective in life. of how i met people that i cant imagine would cross path in my journey. i was accused at, and shamed countless times. and ive learnt that, it doesnt matter in the end.  i had changed drastically i think, when i a was there. 

 it amazes me how this fist-size organ has the ability to feel something. 

 so idk but i had like so many plans after ending this degree hahahah. i want to start my own merch, but for that i need to build my audience and start to practice more on art bcs gurll youre still lame in this sobs. and like yeah i want to study and research abt the trends nowadays. my passion is more to create stuff and might as well try and sell them. even though i dont have any business background and basic knowledge, but ill try to learn them as i go. oh yeah kinda excited to start a business with my bae too. weve talked about making websites together and yeah basically sell merchandise haha I mean collaborating with your best friend??? that would be a dream come true >.<  yeah so i just wanna put it here. i hope i can come back with updates on how i finally start to do this plan yayerzz

i cant believe degree life is almost over. like lepas habis final ni teda sudah vibe student tu bcs 6months of internship lain sudah environment. im not that emotional to end my degree life because due to online learning, i dont feel that much attachment or sad feeling of saying farewell to my classmates. ive gone past that phase like in october 2020 after knowing we were bound to stay another semester in our houses and do learning separately. like jeez it really developed a new environment and how it created like a gap between me and my friends now. its not the same as having virtual interactions than face-to-face communication. sometimes i feel like I'm lost because everything is driven by my own will because usually i got my realization from my friends hahaha. hm i think thats the biggest issue for me. i am easily distracted and tbh, it drained my mental health a lot. i couldn't stand up strong enough on my own. luckily there are still some friends that helped me through it....

 hi hahahahhah 2020 is almost over. like it was just yesterday it was January 2019 and everything was still normal. boy, everything has changed now. globally. never in a million years, I would imagine that 2020 will be this chaotic. and to be honest, I've experienced the most downfall and depressing days of my life. like i had lost myself and turned into someone i never knew. although i dont feel bad as much as before, im still struggling to be strong as we've just started the new semester. its my last semester before LI. and a lot to deal w my fyp and all. i need to declutter my thoughts and prioritize my tasks. i really want to rewire my brain bcs gurl feels like she has only 3 brain cells left in her head *inserts ugly cry meme* well, i think thats for now. chao 

bila kau bersangka baik dengan Allah, nothing will get in your way. always believe that He can help you and that you should rely on Him. so just do your best girl. put your trust in Him