The Ordinary Me

 i couldnt be happy at this moment. everything seems dull, grey and emotionless to me. i dont care if i lose or win anymore. i just feel like i need to breathe peacefully. because its overwhelming, seeing people being happy when im not. and i dont like to pretend. i need to move. i need to feel myself. i need to take a break.

 life hits you hard. it does bring you to places you dont even thought of. you dont like it, its hard to swallow, but its just life. and it goes on. and its okay to fall. to feel like a loser. but the amazing part is, you can change that. you can always change. and thats life.

 really was a roller coaster ride this year. this year i cried a lot. my eyes were swollen like never before. but this year was also the year that I've healed the most. the year that I felt i was the closest to myself. discovered a new chapter of me. that I'm glad for. i pushed myself to move and walk to leave the past. i thought I couldn't do that, but then everything was easy afterward. i smiled from my heart. i feel content now. im thankful for all the things that happened in 2022. and im hoping for new adventures and discoveries in 2023! cant wait to love myself even more :)

 everything seems like a wave. crashing me, pulling and pushing me to the middle of the sea. its like im not bothered by it. but slowly dragging me to uncertainty. its prone to change me to a new skin.

i suddenly could feel alive again. i feel ok now being with myself. for all these years, i was holding on to people, to someone that i thought would be there for me like how i would be there for them. turns out, neither of us can. ive learnt that humans always change. their surrounding, their emotions, and feelings. ive learnt that the world is lonely sometimes. but being alone can be just fine. my focus was scattered. i was looking for approval and validation from people. that i would sacrifice my time, my energy just to feel complete, to feel satisfied. but it will never be enough. only i could fill that void. may Allah guide me to be the very best servant. may He guide me to the right path. and let me hold on to Him alone.  Thankyou Allah, i feel that im slowly healing. 

  its quite shocking really. i didnt intend to quit my job just like in the movies. i estimated longer to tender my resignation. but things happened, and theres no other way out. so here i am at a library, half-concious because i slept like only for 2 hours last night. thinking being here would inspire me to be productive. it does work but, productivity will always linear with my energy. and therefore, a waste of time. so much events and deep core memories created since january 2021. ive faced numerous speechless, too-stunned-to-speak moments that gave me new perspective in life. of how i met people that i cant imagine would cross path in my journey. i was accused at, and shamed countless times. and ive learnt that, it doesnt matter in the end.  i had changed drastically i think, when i a was there.